Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Oh Noez! Aliens iz attacking!


I enjoy browsing various gun and knife forums. There is a lot of interesting information, a bunch of nice people, and quite a bit of stuff that I didn't know about to be learned from them. Correspondingly, there are also a lot of wackos. Predicatably, this post isn't about the nice, normal people. Nope, not about them at all.

Instead, this post is about the wackiest wacko to ever wack the wacky. This dude claims, in all apparent seriousness, to have gotten into a knife fight. With an alien. Specifically, the alien pictured at the beginning of this post. I would like to think that this is just some sort of fun exercise in creative writing, but I really don't think that it is, which of course works out pretty good for me. I am going to comment on just a few little things that I noticed about this post, but you really have to read the whole thing to appreciate it.

Allrighty. So the first thing that I would like to point out, was that this dude was pretty angry. How do I know? Because Daniel, the human component of this tale, tells us he was in a murderous rage. His wife confirms this in a later post by saying he was "sky high" with rage. Rage, apparently, is a requirement for successfully shanking an alien that creeps into your perimeter.

Another important component is the fact that you must have a cleverly named knife. Why dudes that want to pretend that they are knife-fighting experts always refer to knives as "blades", I don't know. Whatever. The point is, you have to have one, and it has to have a name. This particular dude named his knife the "Good News". In his own words, should that alien bastard come back, he is going to give him the good news again, so he better watch out, or else he is going to "meet Jesus". This brings up another interesting, if not unnecessarily philosophical, point. How does Daniel know that the alien is going to meet Jesus? Perhaps the alien will go and meet Hglkunar, Ruler of the 3 levels of Gthalm instead. All I am saying is that it is somewhat presumptious to assume that Jesus is the alien fish-man's diety.

Continuing our run down the rails on this crazy train, Daniels wife posts some pictures of her husbands post-battle injuries, all of which left me convinced that at worst Daniel had a bad rash from running through a briar patch. Look at them yourselves. Do those look like the injuries of someone who got all stabby with an alien? I say thee nay, they do not. Despite his wife declining to show pictures of his face, I want to see it, because you will note that Daniel actually lost the good news by embedding it into the aliens neck, and as a result was forced to start headbutting the alien. I should think that headbutting an alien would leave substantially cooler wounds.

Finally, I like the part where the aliens came and cleaned up after Daniel and his old lady fell back asleep, evidently spent from straight up murdering an alien. Really? I mean, you know, really? You gave this alien the stabbing the he so richly deserved, sent him back to Gamma 3 with the good news sticking out of his neck, and they came and cleaned up? Dude, thats AWESOME!!!

Seriously though, you all should go buy knives and work on your murderous rages. This could happen to you. Read the link in all of it's glory!

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread369106/pg1

1 comment:

Randy said...

This story would be much cooler if the 'Good News' was a tomahawk with a jump-drive in the handle instead of a knife...