Zoologically, Africa is a horrible place.

I was sitting here eating a bowl of cereal and reading through Yahoo news today when I came across a horrible, horrible article. Evidently, a new species of giant spitting cobra has been identified in Kenya. That's right, I said "Giant Spitting Cobra".

This new species of giant spitting cobra apparently grows to be about 9 feet long and has enough venom to kill 300 people or something. Really, I never pay much attention to venomous snake reports after I read how long they get because I really don't care how many people total they can kill. I care that they can kill me, period. I also want to know if they are in my immediate vicinity, which in this case is a blessed "no".

I know I have complained about there being no monkeys in North America before, but I am happy beyond all comprehension that we don't have spitting cobras here, giant or otherwise. This report got me to thinking that Africa has a lot of animals I want nothing to do with. There are lots and lots of venomous snakes, there are giant scorpions, centipedes, hyenas, and weird insects. All of them only want one thing: The utter destruction of all humanity.

Don't get me started on all the weird germs, bacteria and viruses that come out of Africa. I just read the other day that a different strain of Ebola is popping up. Evidently, one virus that liquefies your guts and kills you wasn't bad enough, so now there is a now evolution of the virus that does it a little bit faster. Great. Good for you, Ebola! Having spent time in Somalia, I am convinced that we all got some weird and undetectable virus that is going to wait until our 42nd birthday, at which point our intestines will turn inside out and try to escape through our ear-holes or something. Looking forward to that!

So, whatever. Africa has a few things going for it, but there are enough things that want to kill me that come in either regular or super size that I won't be returning there, ever.