Thursday, January 3, 2008

Study indicates dogs couldn't care less.

I love dogs, and I wish I could have a dog. Specifically, I wish I could have a bulldog, because I would name him Ringo, and he and I could go to the park together, and I could share ice cream cones with him. I would also train him to bare his teeth and growl anytime anyone got within 10 feet of our perimeter, which would be awesome since that means that we could enjoy the park and our delicious ice cream without jerks constantly trying to pet Ringo, or me. Ringo and I just want to be left alone, creeps.

Anyway, the real point of all this is to point out an experiment I found on my favorite website,, called "The Lassie Experiment".

You can read it for yourself here:

To make life easier, let me just summarize the story for you. Your dog doesn't care if you live or die. Perhaps some dogs do, but this study indicates that most dogs don't, a finding that I am sure will be refuted by crazy dog-owners everywhere. (Monkeyfoot, I'm looking at you) So, love your dogs, pet them, give them treats and be enjoy spending time with them. Just realize that the feeling is not reciprocated, and if you get stuck under a fallen bookshelf, your dog is probably just going to let you slip into the light.

Also, once your dead, your dog will likely start feasting on your bloated corpse and sleeping on the couch. Then your house will start to reek of the twin curses of death and dog urine, which sucks. It's a mess that could be avoided if your dog was courteous enough to rescue you, but unfortunately, your dog doesn't concern himself with courtesy. Thus, you will eventually be found by neighborhood children nude and partially consumed, and your house will have to be burned to the ground because no one will want to buy it. This means that your only legacy will be that of "that guy that got eaten by his dog", and thats something none of us wants.

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