Monday, June 16, 2008

One step closer...

So, the cat and the bear above are good friends. Anyone who ever reads my blogs or talks to me knows that I have long predicted a unification of all the animals, and I see this as being just one step closer to an all out war with the animals.

The implications of this friendship are far-reaching and disturbing. I like cats, but everyone knows that cats are far to wily for their own good. Cats are also one of the few animals that seem to kill just for the pure joy of spilling blood. Also, cats are stealthy. What happens when you combine the natural cunning, the thirst for blood and the stealth with a bear's natural strength and invincibility? You get a cat-bear, and that my friends spells doom for mankind, at least until Skynet goes up, and maybe even then.

On the surface, it may seem incongruous that the cats and the bears would unite, and I have to admit that even I have long predicted a monkey/bear alliance, which could still happen. If you think about it for a little bit, it makes sense. Cats sleep 22 hours a day. Bears sleep for months at a time. Cats like fish. Bears can fish. Cats like to interrupt humans while reading newspapers. Bears eat humans. The symbiotic relationship that exists between a cat and a bear is evident only when considered at length, but once discovered, eerily strong.

In conclusion, I advise you to beware. If you notice your cat hanging out with bears, put an end to that immediately. If the bear won't go away or begins to try and sneak in your house at night to frolic with your cat, I advise laying down a protective field of anti-bear mines. Finally, if your cat simply won't stop it's longing for the bear, you're going to need to move. Where, I don't know, but just make sure it is a bear-free area, because the cycle must be broken before it's too late.

7 comments:

Randy said...

So, where can I get some of those anti-bear mines?

Timbo said...

From me. I will soon be marketing an anti-bear mine. It's an emerging market.

Anonymous said...

I have also heard tell of an alliance between bears and pigs with some renegade humans. Thus forming the frearsome, gruesome, horrific, MAN-BEAR-PIG.

katdish said...

I was beginning to wonder if you were still writing this blog. Now I understand the reasons behind the lapse between posts. The R&D alone for this post must have been exhausting. Not the mention the intellectual and emotional strain it must have caused you. I'm actually less concerned about bears and cats cross breeding than I am about bears and the cast of ABC's "The View" cross breeding, because.....damn, that's just terrifying.

J.R.Shirley said...

Excellent.

Oh, dammit, anonymous, why did you get to mention Man-Bear-Pig? I'm super cereal!

Skynet. (snickers)

katdish said...

I realize that this post is very old, but I feel it necessary to publicly apologize for ever casting dispersions on your bear/cat theory.

they are clearly in training to take over the world.

Helen said...

I think I read something about this in GQ a few months ago.