Mike Singletary will save football.

The above press conference is long, but worth watching if you are a football fan. Not only does Mike Singletary say that Vernon Davis would be better off taking a shower and watching the game from the sidelines, but you can almost literally watch the deep, red rage build within him. That's cool, because Mike is old school.

Mike Singletary is one of my all-time favorite players. I cannot even begin to tell you how badly I wanted to hit someone so hard my helmet broke, which Mike did on a seemingly regular basis. He wasn't the most flashy dude on the field, but when you can lay the wood like he laid the wood, you don't have to be flashy to get the recognition. Refrigerator Perry and Jim McMahon might have been the stars, but Singletary was the best player on that Bear's team outside of Walter Payton. Samurai Mike was the man, and I am telling you right now that he can still probably hit harder than half the dudes in the NFL.

So now I am going to have to start rooting for the 49'ers. I shall never betray my beloved Denver Broncos, but San Francisco just became a substantially more interesting team to me. Also, here is a picture of Samurai Mike in his glory days:

Well, this just sucks.

Curiously, after being told by Anonymous that my effort has been heading downhill, I find that my effort really has been heading downhill the last couple of days. What can I say, I have a job now! Anyhoo, the above video is a perfect example of why skydiving is sort of dumb.

Also, I just now realized that I was unintentionally hilarious with my title. You know, I said "this just sucks" and the guy was sucked out of the plane? Comedy gold!

Selma Blair is awenificent.

Selma Blair is both cute and, apparently, magical. Word.

Empowering Chimps

Well, at this point I think it is well-established that I like monkeys. I think it is also well-established that I think that monkeys and bears will one day band together and kill us all. Given this video, it may seem odd that I bring this up, but let me explain after you watch:



So, while it is kind of funny and weird that this chimp eventually figures out how to turn and stuff on a Segway, I have to question the wisdom of teaching him these skills at all. I mean, why not just teach him how to shoot, drive and maintain a tank while you're at it? Teaching monkeys how to master human technology is never a good idea, except in the rare occasion that it is not possible for them to learn to use it against us.

Also, I have to point out that I typically shy away from posting Japanese show clips on my blog. It's far, far too simple to comment on the overall wackiness of the Japanese, and I could easily do nothing but. As a result, I rarely do so, but this event seemed to warrant it.

Karate bricks and my feelings.

Evidently, the quality, content and effort of my blog has been underperforming as of late. My feelings on this issue feel like these bricks, which is to say "completely unperturbed".

10 Brick Karate Chop @ Yahoo! Video

Cool Video

I am not a particularly big fan of the song, but the video is pretty awesome. I got this video from Neatorama, who got it from Dark Roasted Blend, who got it from GHost Dog, who got it straight from RJD2. This, of course, means that I am at the top of this particular blogging food chain. Huzzah! Anyway, the video is rad, and the parts where it looks like the guys is using heelies is apparently just the radness of the dancing, not actual heelies. Enjoy!!

Oh Noez! Aliens iz attacking!

I enjoy browsing various gun and knife forums. There is a lot of interesting information, a bunch of nice people, and quite a bit of stuff that I didn't know about to be learned from them. Correspondingly, there are also a lot of wackos. Predicatably, this post isn't about the nice, normal people. Nope, not about them at all.

Instead, this post is about the wackiest wacko to ever wack the wacky. This dude claims, in all apparent seriousness, to have gotten into a knife fight. With an alien. Specifically, the alien pictured at the beginning of this post. I would like to think that this is just some sort of fun exercise in creative writing, but I really don't think that it is, which of course works out pretty good for me. I am going to comment on just a few little things that I noticed about this post, but you really have to read the whole thing to appreciate it.

Allrighty. So the first thing that I would like to point out, was that this dude was pretty angry. How do I know? Because Daniel, the human component of this tale, tells us he was in a murderous rage. His wife confirms this in a later post by saying he was "sky high" with rage. Rage, apparently, is a requirement for successfully shanking an alien that creeps into your perimeter.

Another important component is the fact that you must have a cleverly named knife. Why dudes that want to pretend that they are knife-fighting experts always refer to knives as "blades", I don't know. Whatever. The point is, you have to have one, and it has to have a name. This particular dude named his knife the "Good News". In his own words, should that alien bastard come back, he is going to give him the good news again, so he better watch out, or else he is going to "meet Jesus". This brings up another interesting, if not unnecessarily philosophical, point. How does Daniel know that the alien is going to meet Jesus? Perhaps the alien will go and meet Hglkunar, Ruler of the 3 levels of Gthalm instead. All I am saying is that it is somewhat presumptious to assume that Jesus is the alien fish-man's diety.

Continuing our run down the rails on this crazy train, Daniels wife posts some pictures of her husbands post-battle injuries, all of which left me convinced that at worst Daniel had a bad rash from running through a briar patch. Look at them yourselves. Do those look like the injuries of someone who got all stabby with an alien? I say thee nay, they do not. Despite his wife declining to show pictures of his face, I want to see it, because you will note that Daniel actually lost the good news by embedding it into the aliens neck, and as a result was forced to start headbutting the alien. I should think that headbutting an alien would leave substantially cooler wounds.

Finally, I like the part where the aliens came and cleaned up after Daniel and his old lady fell back asleep, evidently spent from straight up murdering an alien. Really? I mean, you know, really? You gave this alien the stabbing the he so richly deserved, sent him back to Gamma 3 with the good news sticking out of his neck, and they came and cleaned up? Dude, thats AWESOME!!!

Seriously though, you all should go buy knives and work on your murderous rages. This could happen to you. Read the link in all of it's glory!

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/thread369106/pg1

Funtime!

I like monkeys, and I like monkeys that kick things. Rock on.

Edit on 10/18/08

I had to take the game down because I was tired of hearing this stupid monkey kick his stupid ball every time I got online. Enough, monkey! We get it! You like to kick things!

Evidently, water is groovy.

Through a long and convoluted journey through the bowels of the Internet, I stumbled across a website by a guy named "Mr. Emoto" in which he reveals the secret healing powers of water. Evidently, "From Mr. Emoto's work we are provided with factual evidence, that human vibrational energy, thoughts, words, ideas and music, affect the molecular structure of water, the very same water that comprises over seventy percent of a mature human body and covers the same amount of our planet." (actual quote.). Mr. Emoto also includes several pictures of water crystals taken while playing music and after having typed messages taped to bottles of distilled water.

Breaking this down a little, let me respond to the following: We cannot have factual evidence of how awesome water is when it based on the decidedly nonfactual claim that there exists "human vibrational energy". Also, and I very honestly might be wrong on this as my knowledge of chemistry is very weak, but isn't the molecular structure of water pretty much always going to be H2O? How does one affect that?

This all basically serves to point out one of my pet peeves: Wacky new-age theories on how to heal. Look, spiritually, you can believe whatever you want. I neither care nor concern myself with the wide variety of things in which people place their faith. That being said, please don't try and convince me that playing Vivaldi is somehow going to make the water I drink better and bring about significant health benefits.

It's not that I think that modern medicine is always right, nor is it to say that traditional remedies are always wrong. It is to say that in no way, shape, or form do I believe that exposing my water to Slayer is going to have a negative effect on how it chemically reacts within my body. I mean, I am drinking water out of a cup with the Colorado Avalanche logo on it as I type this. Mr. Emoto's "research" would indicate that I might be better served by drinking from a cup with a Blackhawks logo, or perhaps even no logo at all. My own research leads me to believe that it is entirely likely that Mr. Emoto would posit that I should drink from a cup made of iron extracted from a fallen star and forged by dwarfs deep within the Carpathian forest. Further, I should probably stand in the healing circle of healing while sipping it.

Mr. Emoto also apparently believes that our souls turn into water when we die:

"Similarly, when a person dies their body loses several grams of weight -- what some people think of this as the weight of the soul. But then we can often visually see them. I think that the soul has mass, and that it returns to water molecules. And because it has mass, it is affected by the gravitational pull of the earth. And so sometimes the soul cannot transition over to the other side."

Essentially, Mr. Emoto just said that for every sip of magic healing water, you're basically pounding down someone's soul. Gross.

Anyway, it's just my own little pet peeve and I thought I would share it. If I have offended with my rejection of the mystical powers of water or human vibrational energy, too bad. Drink some water that has a message about forgiveness for my faults taped to the cup and deal with it, wacko. If you want to read more about Mr. Emoto's fantastic discovery, click here:

http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm